The games of life

Modern society confuses me. People like to act one way but feel something else. Connect without really connecting.

I’m currently having a bit of an anxiety moment. I say moment as i don’t feel like the word “attack” is needed.

Life at the moment is stuck. I’m trying to grasp the career I want but for some reason I don’t seem to be getting any closer to it. For so long in life i have kept my head down, worked hard and cared about others and still to this day, it hasn’t paid off.

I have my graduation next month which to be honest I’m not looking forward to. A large amount of people in my class were selfish, rude, childish and so much more. Once i left, i was so happy about not seeing them again. I’m glad i worked my ass off and got my 2:1 grade but so far it’s gotten me nowhere. I don’t want to be one of those people that do nothing with it. I want to make something of myself. I want to be something, someONE.

And when it comes to people and “connecting”… I just don’t know where to start. I’m funny, flirty (at times), chilled, caring and so on with girls. I’m 23 and still haven’t been in a relationship. I can count the number of girls i’ve actually liked and felt a connection with on my finger…. because it’s one. ONE. I work in a bar so i meet good looking girls all the time. But I don’t want to waste my time with some random pretty girl that i have nothing in common with. I don’t want to hook up with some random girl for one night.

I’m tired of societies new way of dating. The “we are friends hanging out” bullshit. I’m chill, i don’t go in too hard but i do want to wine and dine. I want them to know i care at some point. I learned the hard way that going in too hard too fast is a massively bad idea. But god damn, I just wanna be romantic. I don’t know if many people are interested in zodiac signs like i am but i am a pisces. Unfortunately for me the description for a pisces’ personality is spot on;

“Strengths: Compassionate, artistic, intuitive, gentle, wise, musical

Weaknesses: Fearful, overly trusting, sad, desire to escape reality, can be a victim or a martyr

Pisces likes: Being alone, sleeping, music, romance, visual media.”

I trust too much too quickly and i can be sensitive.

I don’t have friends. I have had random groups of friends in the past. Work/university/college related groups of friends but i have never met someone that has stuck around after moving on from those surroundings.

I’m starting to feel… not better but not as bad as when i started writing. My mum always says “Something will come a long” I’m starting to lose faith in that. I have set myself a milestone in life that when i reach the age of 27, I’m moving to Canada. Whether i have my dream career or if i’m still a bartender. I’m moving.

For now, I will keep on pushing forward. Trying to make a change.

 

Wonderland

Stuck in limbo…

So not too long ago I finished University. I was studying a BA business top up degree. I found it incredibly harder then what i thought it would be. I knew nothing about business and I was on a course full of students that had studied it for the past 2 years. I on the other hand, studied Events Management.

A lot of ups and downs. Met some great people and some girls i tried to stay away from. What was the problem with them? Well, although they seemed friendly on the first few days of university, they turned out to be incredibly bitchy. Constantly judging and criticising people in the group on their looks behind their backs. They all stayed together in a “click” like teenagers in school. They seemed determined to have me join them but I distanced myself and made other friends.

I’m currently waiting to hear about the final grade i got for the course. Of course I am worried. I’m unsure if i have managed to achieve the 2:1 grade i wanted. Fingers crossed that I have but I’ve decided that i can’t fret over it. I can’t change it so there is no point.

I’m still working in the new bar but i am trying to gather all the skills and such i need to get a better job and get out of the industry. The passed few weeks have been incredibly emotional but i have no idea why! Does anyone else get like this? Nothing is wrong, everything seems to be sailing smoothly but for some reason every now and then i feel like crying. I thought maybe its because of a womanly aspect of my body but nope. It’s been going on for the passed month. I guess i have lost a lot of friends since I quit my old job. Don’t get invited out with them anymore. People i thought cared about me don’t message or only chat when they want something. However, as bad as this may sound. I’m pretty damn good at brushing people off and moving on.

Been awhile since I posted… think i will be visiting my diary more over the next few weeks.

Wonderland.

Work and my mad hatter

So i had my last shift at a job i have worked at for the past 2 years. It was strange. I work within a nightclub. Not a great job, pay was average but what made it great was the people. When i started working there i was timid, quiet and overall a weak person. However over time it helped shape me into the person i am today.

It provided me with the main game changer within my life: Jordan. When i started I was put on one of the 8 bars within the venue. The bar known as Bar 2 and that is how i met my mad hatter. The guy that became my best friend. That was loyal and had my back no matter what.

We didn’t speak for the first few weeks of working together, we just got on with our job but we never got in each others way. There was a rhythm with us. We flowed and worked well together. Working in a bar is hard, one of the main reasons being that some staff don’t “flow” around the bar very well. They get in your way, bump into you, don’t put things back properly and so on. However there was non of that with me and Jordan. After awhile we began to talk. We always had each others back when dealing with rude customers, had similar hobbies and banter. The more we spoke the more we clicked. If either of us needed help we’d be straight there. Wouldn’t think twice about it.

We ended up getting a change of supervisor which is what really brought me and him closer. The new supervisor was loud, rude and disrespectful. Although me and Jordan being the hard working duo that we were, we became more valuable as a member of staff than ever before as she relied on us. Without us working hard she wouldn’t be able to run the bar. After about 6 months in, i left my job to go travel around Australia for 6 months but leaving the job with a good reputation meant that i could return when i came back. First thing i did was message Jordan to see if he still worked there and he did. I went back to work and i was greeted with the biggest hug off of him. I don’t think i actually did any work that shift. Me and him just sat in the stock room throughout most of it and talked. He got promoted to senior supervisor and me and him ran bar 2. I was his second in command, his junior supervisor. It was perfect.

We kept each other going. through thick and thin we was there for each other. We would have massive fall outs at times but we knew that no matter how bad the argument got we had each others backs. Jordan was my first real, true friend ever. I had friends in school but not real ones. Once i left i became a bit socially awkward but Jordan changed all of that for me. He genuinely cared and wasn’t afraid to show it. When i began to supervise other bars he would tell the other members of staff to not be arseholes and to behave. If i was on a different bar he would regularly come and pay me a visit. See how i was and have a chat. If he went to get food he would always bring me some.

He was the one person i could open up to about anything. He was always willing to actually listen and to give a damn. I have mentioned a few times in other posts that me and my family don’t really talk about my sexuality. So Jordan was the person i went to. He may not have understood or whatever but he would invest time into our conversations. I shared everything with him from girls, family drama, work shit and so on. He also confided in me whenever he needed to.

It is safe to say that I love Jordan. There has never been anything sexual between us. it is just pure, honest and loyal love. We made each other feel wanted and needed. Most people at work began to talk asking if we had something going on but it was just jealousy. It is rare to find someone to connect with so deeply and purely. Someone that could change your mood in a matter of seconds.

Time passed and me and Jordan pulled a bunch of people from work together that we liked and made the Squad. The Squad was filled with like minded people. There was about 8 of us all together and we were good at our job and had great banter. Imagine being in a school classroom. The Squad was made up of the naughty kids that sat on the back row and messed about. Did what we wanted and got away with it. Skipping a head a few months and Jordan quit his job. Mainly because of his girlfriend but i wont go into detail on that. I stopped seeing him outside of work, his girlfriend seemed to have a tight leash on him and he never came out. Would always cancel but i know he still cares. I still get regular snapchats and messages from him. Working in a nightclub is hard because people come and go. There are a lot of part time student staff that leave after a year or a couple of months. And in the end, the Squad disbanded. People left. We still keep in touch. Wish each other happy birthday. Message in the Squad facebook group chat every now and then. The thing that made me so proud of the Squad is that after a year of silence and no messaging, on new years day everyone popped up on my facebook messages and wished me a happy new year.

On my last shift i began to think back. Telling staff about my memories of working at the venue for 2 years and i realised something. All my stories began with the same first few words “Me and Jordan”. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I thought about how close we were and i began to cry. I do genuinely love him. He’s my brother. My best friend and i miss him. I miss our arguments, I miss his aggressive drunk attitude, I miss his hugs, I miss the mischief we used to get up to, I miss everything about our friendship. I have moved on, i do have other friends but non of them will be as good as Jordan. No one can make me smile or mad in the space of 1 second of being near each other like he did. Hopefully one day i can get it back. I don’t think it will happen any time soon. We will continue to message and be an important aspect of each others lives at a distance.

Thank you Jordan. My mad hatter.

What I predicted.

So to briefly summarise about my last post: There is a girl I have feelings for however she is straight and has a long distance boyfriend. I’m happy just staying friends with her however I was hit with a massive blow to the chest when she told me she would be leaving the city. When i asked why i didn’t get an answer until really later on.

And to continue:

I got my answer and it is what i predicted. She said she will be moving in about a month or so to where her boyfriend lives to trail living there for a few months. If she likes it then she will stay, if not then he will trail living here. However she needs a job before she can go down.

When going to work and seeing her i remained supportive. I helped her look for jobs and asked why she suddenly had a change of heart on moving down. (She has told me in the past that she hated the thought of living there.) After talking she sounded pretty sure on it. Being supportive and hiding how i really felt about it was killing me. I don’t want it to fail. I want her to be happy but for my own selfish reasons i want it to not work out so that i can still see her. If she leaves that is it. I’ve never met her boyfriend or the friends she has down there so it would be hard and awkward for me to go down to visit her. Finding it hard to be around her i do what most people do when they are having issues; I called momma bear. I stated that me and my mum don’t really talk about relationships and my sexuality. Not a bad thing, it’s just not something we do unless i am in desperate need. She understood and said “Just keep things open. Don’t close any books just yet.” I was thinking of creating a large amount of distance between me and the girl. To help protect me but what if i ruin something between us. The last thing i want is to lose contact with her but I can’t handle being hurt anymore than i am.

While at work i remained my usual self around her. Joking about, friendly bullying and banter. Making each other laugh. Until towards the end of the shift. Her attitude completely changed with me. The supervisor asked me to do one task which she was doing and made her do something else. And because she didn’t like that task she got moody. Usually she pokes my sides, pushes me, waits for me when going to clock out and so on. However i got non of that. She completed the task given to her and stormed off. Didn’t see her for 15 minutes.

When waiting to leave she sat away from me. She has never done that before. She was purposely avoiding me. I couldn’t believe it. I have one more shift left and i stop working there and she decides to have a tantrum because she couldn’t do the task she wanted?

Jesus. I must admit it made the fact that we may not see each other again easier. I have seen her in a bad mood but never had it directed at me before. It was so petty. Don’t get me wrong, i still have feelings for her but after going through that i’m not so gooey eyed when i think of her.

Anyway, my last shift at a place i have worked at for 2 years is tonight. I have worked hard for the company but a change in management has left me feeling undervalued. I used to be a key trusted employee. The person management would turn to if they needed something done right. But the new management is incompetent. Rota gets handed out a day the next week, shift times are constantly changing, can’t organise staff and has no idea on who is meant to be working and who isn’t. It’s just a mess. So i contacted my old manager and he has given me a job in his venue. I predict tonight will be a weird one. Leaving a place i’ve got so many memories in and having to deal with that girl.

Although I am excited for the future in my new job and i will just have to wait and see what happens with her.

Wonderland.

Dive right in.

So, I’m 23, a chick and I’ve never been in an relationship. Why? because I’ve never connected with anybody. I’ve hooked up with people but never anything more. I’ve had choices and opportunities to have more but no one has ever made me feel anything amazing inside. Never had that wow factor. I know beautiful girls, nice girls with decent personality but never anyone that stood out. Until about a month or so ago. Went to work and spotted one of the many new starters. She had been working there for about 2 months prior to me noticing her but with such a quick staff turnover its hard to notice everyone when they first join.

She was quiet and kept to herself, no one made much of an effort to talk to her. But i did. I decided to talk to her because she worked hard, seemed unlike everyone else and she is beautiful. Each shift she would slowly start to come out of her shell. I began introducing her to my other close friends at work and brought her in to my close circle. We started to message on facebook frequently. Almost 30 minutes after a shift i would get a message. Usually just talking about goofy, stupid stuff but that is what attracted me to her. I wasn’t like that with many people. I couldn’t just talk nonsense to anyone they would find it weird or whatever. I’m an introvert so contacting people over a message used to be hard for me but now? after i got used to her, i’m more confident than ever with it. Our conversations would range from talking about work to if crabs should be allowed to live.

Now it is key to point out that she has a long distance boyfriend and is straight. When ever we spoke about her boyfriend it was literally nothing but negatives. Not once have i heard her say something good about him. hearing her say things like “If it wasn’t long distance, i wouldn’t be with him.” “He’s boring and never does anything.” and so on.

Sometimes before work we would meet up an hour early and go for food. She too was a introvert and it seemed like she didn’t get out the house much. However, not once was there an awkward silence or conversation when we met. I usually get that with people. You meet and run out of things to talk about but not with her. Although we are both quiet people, the conversation just flowed and if we didn’t feel like talking? well we both felt comfortable on our breaks or when we met to just chill out on our phones. No one felt like they had to force the conversation.

We actually had things in common. So many times have i chatted to girls and although they are incredibly pretty, i have had nothing in common with them. With her i can talk about video games, geek out of movies, same kind of banter, we agree on most things and if we didn’t agree we would have fun trying to prove the other person wrong. We’d tell each other stories and actually listen. The fact we actually remembered the stuff we spoke about and the tiny details made conversations fun.

At work people began to comment. “Hows your girlfriend?” “You guys hang out a lot” I told her about it and she laughed, made a few jokes but that was it. Never got awkward between us. She still came over to me when she was on her break. Spent time with each other. When the rest of work would go for drinks she would make sure i’d be going before agreeing. We would only go if both of us was going.

I got so hung up on this girl that i would go work a night shift even if i had university the next day, just to spend time with her. If she wasn’t working then i didn’t want to work. I decided a few weeks ago that i was leaving where i currently work to go to another venue and she straight away emailed the manager from the other venue and decided to come with me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago the work staff went out for some drinks. Me and her both went. It was awkward at first. Me and her was sat at the group table talking away like we usually do but the rest of the work guys were struggling to chat. After awhile the conversation flowed and everyone was having a great time.

Whenever i left the table she followed me. Even if i was just going to the toilet or just getting another drink. I realised that she was the main reason i was having fun. Why i was smiling so much and laughing. And i think it was the same for her. I barely saw her speak to anyone else. My other close friends at work would come up to me and say “You’ve got her. You two are inseparable.” I asked my other friend if it’s just me thats seeing this connection. I told him to be honest because i don’t want to believe in a fairy tale. his reply was “I can see it. Everyone can see it. People have come and said stuff to me about it.” Later that night we continued with our friendly flirting before my friend offered to have an after party at his place. I wasn’t going to go but that girl begged me to and pulled me with her.

Now, nothing sexual happened with me and her. I laid on the couch to sleep and she laid next to me. We were both drunk but my friend made it clear that there was a spare bed upstairs if anyone wanted it and she didn’t move. We both fell asleep. We laid so close to each other that if i put my arm over her we would have been spooning. But i didn’t. I didn’t want to freak her out. We just laid there, close together. It felt so right. Perfect.

And then today happens. She messages me and tells me she isn’t moving to the other venue to work. I’m cool with that. I’ll still message her to meet up and such. But then the bomb hit me. she messages saying “I’m leaving in a month or so.” Like WHAT? I’ve replied asking where she is going but i haven’t gotten an answer yet. The only thing i can think of is that she will be moving in with her boyfriend. Life these passed few weeks has been awesome. I have loved life and today. about an hour ago. I feel like i’ve been shot. I can’t tell anyone about this. I have no one to express these emotions too. Me and my family aren’t too open with my sexuality. Not a bad thing, it’s just not something we do. I can’t talk to friends about this as most of them are dudes and wont understand. There is no way i can bring this up to her. So i’m here. Venting. Trying to release and calm down my feelings. I’ve just never felt this with anyone else.

But maybe this is all me. Maybe i felt something and began to twist things to see what i wanted to see. Perhaps she was just being friendly. I always saw it as “Its just early days, I’ll take it slow and if anything happens between me and her then great. If not then i’m cool with being friends.”

This isn’t just about feelings. it’s mainly about the fact that i could possibly NEVER see her again. I would be fine with being just friends. but never seeing her again? that is whats got me so shaken up. I can’t really invite myself down to where her boyfriend lives to hangout. So if that is where she is going then I am fucked. Point blank. straight to the point. I have to let this girl go. It will be hard but I have no other choice.

 

This is not my first hurdle while venturing this path into Wonderland but it is the first to encourage me to write about it.