So, I’m 23, a chick and I’ve never been in an relationship. Why? because I’ve never connected with anybody. I’ve hooked up with people but never anything more. I’ve had choices and opportunities to have more but no one has ever made me feel anything amazing inside. Never had that wow factor. I know beautiful girls, nice girls with decent personality but never anyone that stood out. Until about a month or so ago. Went to work and spotted one of the many new starters. She had been working there for about 2 months prior to me noticing her but with such a quick staff turnover its hard to notice everyone when they first join.
She was quiet and kept to herself, no one made much of an effort to talk to her. But i did. I decided to talk to her because she worked hard, seemed unlike everyone else and she is beautiful. Each shift she would slowly start to come out of her shell. I began introducing her to my other close friends at work and brought her in to my close circle. We started to message on facebook frequently. Almost 30 minutes after a shift i would get a message. Usually just talking about goofy, stupid stuff but that is what attracted me to her. I wasn’t like that with many people. I couldn’t just talk nonsense to anyone they would find it weird or whatever. I’m an introvert so contacting people over a message used to be hard for me but now? after i got used to her, i’m more confident than ever with it. Our conversations would range from talking about work to if crabs should be allowed to live.
Now it is key to point out that she has a long distance boyfriend and is straight. When ever we spoke about her boyfriend it was literally nothing but negatives. Not once have i heard her say something good about him. hearing her say things like “If it wasn’t long distance, i wouldn’t be with him.” “He’s boring and never does anything.” and so on.
Sometimes before work we would meet up an hour early and go for food. She too was a introvert and it seemed like she didn’t get out the house much. However, not once was there an awkward silence or conversation when we met. I usually get that with people. You meet and run out of things to talk about but not with her. Although we are both quiet people, the conversation just flowed and if we didn’t feel like talking? well we both felt comfortable on our breaks or when we met to just chill out on our phones. No one felt like they had to force the conversation.
We actually had things in common. So many times have i chatted to girls and although they are incredibly pretty, i have had nothing in common with them. With her i can talk about video games, geek out of movies, same kind of banter, we agree on most things and if we didn’t agree we would have fun trying to prove the other person wrong. We’d tell each other stories and actually listen. The fact we actually remembered the stuff we spoke about and the tiny details made conversations fun.
At work people began to comment. “Hows your girlfriend?” “You guys hang out a lot” I told her about it and she laughed, made a few jokes but that was it. Never got awkward between us. She still came over to me when she was on her break. Spent time with each other. When the rest of work would go for drinks she would make sure i’d be going before agreeing. We would only go if both of us was going.
I got so hung up on this girl that i would go work a night shift even if i had university the next day, just to spend time with her. If she wasn’t working then i didn’t want to work. I decided a few weeks ago that i was leaving where i currently work to go to another venue and she straight away emailed the manager from the other venue and decided to come with me.
Anyway, a couple of days ago the work staff went out for some drinks. Me and her both went. It was awkward at first. Me and her was sat at the group table talking away like we usually do but the rest of the work guys were struggling to chat. After awhile the conversation flowed and everyone was having a great time.
Whenever i left the table she followed me. Even if i was just going to the toilet or just getting another drink. I realised that she was the main reason i was having fun. Why i was smiling so much and laughing. And i think it was the same for her. I barely saw her speak to anyone else. My other close friends at work would come up to me and say “You’ve got her. You two are inseparable.” I asked my other friend if it’s just me thats seeing this connection. I told him to be honest because i don’t want to believe in a fairy tale. his reply was “I can see it. Everyone can see it. People have come and said stuff to me about it.” Later that night we continued with our friendly flirting before my friend offered to have an after party at his place. I wasn’t going to go but that girl begged me to and pulled me with her.
Now, nothing sexual happened with me and her. I laid on the couch to sleep and she laid next to me. We were both drunk but my friend made it clear that there was a spare bed upstairs if anyone wanted it and she didn’t move. We both fell asleep. We laid so close to each other that if i put my arm over her we would have been spooning. But i didn’t. I didn’t want to freak her out. We just laid there, close together. It felt so right. Perfect.
And then today happens. She messages me and tells me she isn’t moving to the other venue to work. I’m cool with that. I’ll still message her to meet up and such. But then the bomb hit me. she messages saying “I’m leaving in a month or so.” Like WHAT? I’ve replied asking where she is going but i haven’t gotten an answer yet. The only thing i can think of is that she will be moving in with her boyfriend. Life these passed few weeks has been awesome. I have loved life and today. about an hour ago. I feel like i’ve been shot. I can’t tell anyone about this. I have no one to express these emotions too. Me and my family aren’t too open with my sexuality. Not a bad thing, it’s just not something we do. I can’t talk to friends about this as most of them are dudes and wont understand. There is no way i can bring this up to her. So i’m here. Venting. Trying to release and calm down my feelings. I’ve just never felt this with anyone else.
But maybe this is all me. Maybe i felt something and began to twist things to see what i wanted to see. Perhaps she was just being friendly. I always saw it as “Its just early days, I’ll take it slow and if anything happens between me and her then great. If not then i’m cool with being friends.”
This isn’t just about feelings. it’s mainly about the fact that i could possibly NEVER see her again. I would be fine with being just friends. but never seeing her again? that is whats got me so shaken up. I can’t really invite myself down to where her boyfriend lives to hangout. So if that is where she is going then I am fucked. Point blank. straight to the point. I have to let this girl go. It will be hard but I have no other choice.
This is not my first hurdle while venturing this path into Wonderland but it is the first to encourage me to write about it.
The Wonderland Journal 